Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
