I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
