youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
