Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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