If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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