my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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