How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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