Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
