Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
