Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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