my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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