somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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