Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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