do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize