The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
