I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize