I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize