i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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