How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
