Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
