yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
