Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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