My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
