The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
