That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
