She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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