the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I believe in your delicious
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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