he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
