i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
