i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
