mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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