Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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