You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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