My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love black thongs
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
