Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
