Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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