Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
