She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
