I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
