Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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