I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
