I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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