I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
