Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
