She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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