Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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