I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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