You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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