i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
