I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i out mim tonsoeep
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