I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
