how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
