Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
