I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize