im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
