My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
